


onism

by catoptrictristesse



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Friendship, M/M, Romance, Terminal Illnesses, and i mean MAJOR ANGST, might not have a happy ending we'll see we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-27 02:57:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5030989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catoptrictristesse/pseuds/catoptrictristesse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Onism, n. the frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time, which is like standing in front of the departures screen at an airport, flickering over with strange place names like other people’s passwords, each representing one more thing you’ll never get to see before you die—and all because, as the arrow on the map helpfully points out, you are here.</p><p>  Kenma finds out that he has less than half a year left to live, so he’s determined to make the most of the time left— to create the perfect summer.</p><p>otherwise known as, the terminal illness fic no one in this fandom asked for. </p><p>—  a slow burn romance, and probably more angst here than my whole life contains. consider yourself duly warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Eye of a Hurricane

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for the Haikyuu Big Bang, but I failed to finish it in time. (In fact it's still not quite finished). I'm not very confident about writing about leukemia, (though I have done a lot of research), so I'd really appreciate it if you guys tell me if I've written anything badly/something completely wrong. I want to be as accurate as possible! <3

 

“I’m afraid that the test results showed us some rather… alarming results that we were quite worried about.” the doctor said in a carefully measured tone. “We ran the tests several times, but they showed the exact same thing every time.” 

 

Kenma looked at the floor, hardly daring to look up. Usually this was his cue to pick up his gaming device, and pretend that reality wasn’t moving around him, creating repercussions that were all too real. This time, he had nowhere to seek solace. 

 

“We estimate that you have perhaps only six months left to live. If however, we are able to find a suitable donor in time and the chemotherapy works, there may be a more optimistic outcome.” 

 

He hated this. The doctors who could say these things so calmly as if a person’s life wasn’t in the balance. Everything was so methodical, so matter of fact that he cringed inwardly just thinking of it. 

 

Somewhere in the background, he heard his mother crying, and he imagined the gentle sobs racking her entire body, his father holding her close to him. If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was his mother crying. It left him with such a guilty feeling— although he knew that he hadn’t done anything wrong, there was always a lingering sensation that he had been the one to make he cry. It was the same thing for this situation. It wasn’t his fault that his body had chosen to malfunction, thus producing abnormal white blood cells, but on the other hand, it sort of was. If he had seen the symptoms earlier and asked to be taken to a doctor instead of ignoring it like he did everything else, perhaps, just perhaps this might have been avoided. 

 

“This depends, of course, if you will want to undergo the chemotherapy.” the doctor tapped his clipboard uneasily, noticing the thick tension in the air. “Since you’re at such a late stage, it will be harder to undergo. We would suggest that you think about it before coming to a decision. These pamphlets will tell you all you need to know about the procedure and if you have any other questions, we will only be too happy to answer them for you.” 

 

He pushed the glossy pages over the table, but Kenma ignored them, preferring to focus on his own hands instead. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his father pick up the pamphlets and store them in his jacket pocket. 

 

“Thank you.” he heard his father say, pressing a gentle hand on Kenma’s back— the signal for them to finally leave. 

 

_Six more months,_ he thought. _I can’t say I’m going to miss this life very much._

 

 

*** 

 

_Hop, skip, jump._

 

Kuroo watched as the two children across the street played hopscotch, laughing with the sort of childish mirth that he found himself strangely missing. 

 

He checked his phone again for what seemed like the hundredth time in the past two hours, and sighed as nothing came up except for yet more spam from the group volleyball chat. It was strange that Kenma hadn’t replied yet, given that he usually replied (out of frustration) after Kuroo sent him 10 messages in a row. 

 

He tossed the volleyball up to the blue summer sky again, catching and throwing it in a steady rhythm, wondering idly what his father was going to cook for dinner. 

 

“Onii-san!” he heard the children opposite call out. “Can you help us turn the skipping rope?” 

 

He rolled his eyes, wondering what the Karasuno team would say if they saw him, a confirmed badass, turning jump rope for kids. It was probably something Lev would have done, instead of him, but he got up and sauntered across the street to help them anyway. 

 

“Thanks so much!” the two kids chorused, and the jump rope twirled and spun. 

 

The gravel crunched underneath car wheels, and Kuroo saw Kenma’s family car pull into the driveway next to his, and he waved to Kenma’s parents, who didn’t seem to see him. 

 

“Sorry, kids. I’ve gotta go meet up with my friend over there.” he apologised, giving back the end of the skipping rope and patting the two kids on the head. He jogged over to the Kenmas’ house, just as they were getting out of the car. 

 

“Hello, Mrs Kenma, Mr Kenma.” he called out politely. Kenma’s mother merely looked over, red-eyed. He took a step back, slightly alarmed. “Uh… Is everything alright?” 

 

“Of course we’re fine. Sayuri is just having a bad case of hay fever.” Kenma’s father replied, smiling in a rather forced way at Kuroo. “We’ve just gotten back from the hospital after visiting a friend of ours, and the flowers there aggravated her nose somewhat.” 

 

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you get better soon. Would you mind if Kenma and I went out for some ice-cream?” Kuroo asked smoothly. 

 

“Sure, sure. Don’t spoil your appetites, though!” Kenma’s father said, with a smile that seemed too strained to be real. The parents disappeared into the house, and he was left alone with Kenma, who had already pulled out his PSP, and was tapping away furiously. 

 

“Come on, let’s go.” Kuroo said, and they started the walk down to the local ice-cream parlour in relative silence.

 

*** 

 

“Double scoop with mint chocolate chip and strawberry for him, and one double fudge sundae for me, thank you.” Kuroo smiled winningly at the ice-cream vendor, holding out some cash. 

 

Kenma didn’t bother to look up from his game, but he did pause it in order to hold the ice-cream and lick it slowly, deep in thought. 

 

They walked over to the umbrella-shaded seats next to the road and ate their ice cream in silence, watching the cars zoom by and the busy metropolis of Tokyo go about their daily business. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Kuroo asked abruptly. “You’ve been acting strangely today. 

 

“Nothing.” Kenma replied, equally as abruptly. 

 

“Too quick. Now, what’s bothering you?” 

 

Kenma sighed, biting down on the soggy ice-cream cone. Kuroo would never drop the subject if he didn’t say what was wrong, so he had better give an answer that was plausible and within the realms of belief. 

 

“I’ve been thinking about my summer plans.” 

 

“Pffft. Summer plans?” Kuroo snorted. “When have you ever planned something for summer besides playing games and sleeping?” 

 

“Well, is it so strange that I actually want to do something different this time?” Kenma retorted. “Anyway, I still plan on playing games. I just want to do something fun for a change.” 

 

He honestly wasn’t sure if he wanted Kuroo to know about his condition just yet— they were close friends, but knowing Kuroo, the captain would then go into over-protective mode, which was the last thing that Kenma wanted. He just needed a quiet, low-key summer that he could look back upon as full of not-regrets. 

 

“Well, then you’ve made some very powerful friends, Kenma.” Kuroo leaned back in his chair and smirked, licking the fudge off of his spoon. 

 

“Powerful friends?” Kenma scoffed. “More like embarrassing friends. I wish you would stop winking at the ice-cream seller, he’s beginning to look very uncomfortable.” 

 

“Friends that can help this be your most memorable summer yet, then.” Kuroo amended. “Or well, just me.” 

 

“Well, it would be more troublesome trying to keep you away, so I guess I’ll have to bear with it.” Kenma said, a hint of a smile playing around his lips. 

 

“Well then, Kenma. I have undertaken you as my charity case. I’m going to make sure you have the best summer of your life.” Kuroo declared, before accidentally splattering himself with a slightly too exuberant wave of his spoon. “… Please pretend you never saw that.” 

 


	2. Of Shoes & Ships & Sealing Wax

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was a bit rushed-- I wanted to get it out of my system as quickly as possible. Next chapter will definately be more fun, I promise you!

 

 “Meow…” 

 

There was something very furry, and very warm in his bed. He turned over, eyes closing despite of himself. He’d been feeling very tired recently, and he really wasn’t in the mood for this. 

 

“Meow…” 

 

This meow was more insistent, and he struggled to crack open an eye, only to be greeted by the swipe of a tiny paw, and the rather distinct feeling of tiny limbs walking all over him. 

 

“What the—?” he craned his head to look at his feet, only to be greeted by an adorable black and white kitten sitting on his chest, with at least three others crawling all over his bed. 

 

“Meow.” the kitten sitting on his chest said placidly, and the sentiment was echoed by its brothers and sisters exploring the breadth of Kenma’s bed. He sat up gingerly, picking up the kitten on his chest and petting it gently. 

 

“Did you put them on my bed?” Kenma asked the smirking boy standing in the doorway, who was already dressed and in all his bedhead glory. “I could have accidentally crushed one of them in my sleep, you idiot.” 

 

“Of course it was me. And don’t worry, I just got here, your mum let me in.” Kuroo said, coming over to pick up an orange-striped kitten that came dangerously close to falling off the bed. “I sent you almost a dozen texts, but you never answered. Did you stay up all night playing games again?” 

 

“Something like that.” Kenma shrugged. Kuroo doesn’t need to know that he’d actually fallen asleep right after they had dinner with his parents, it would just be a flashing beacon that something was wrong. 

 

“Well, it’s almost noon.” Kuroo said, opening Kenma’s wardrobe and tossing clothes at him. “And why do you wear the same clothes all the time? Your wardrobe is full of clothes you never wear.” 

 

“When did you turn into my mum?” Kenma grumbled, tossing his pyjamas to the ground and pulling on the shirt and pants that Kuroo had chosen. “I like the stuff I wear. It’s comfortable.”

 

“Comfortable, but ugly.” 

 

“Whatever.” 

 

Now dressed, the two gathered up the four meowing kittens and went downstairs in search of food. 

 

“You’re finally up?” Kenma’s mother asked as the two went into the kitchen. She was already preparing lunch, and Kenma’s stomach growled noisily in response to the cooking smells. “Lunch is nearly ready. You’re more than welcome to join us, Kuroo!” 

 

“That would be nice, thank you so much, Mrs Kozume.” Kuroo smiled back, while playing with the kittens. “I’m a terrible cook, so I usually eat my lunch outside anyway. Having a home cooked meal is a real treat.” 

 

Kenma’s head jerked up in surprise as he poured some milk into a saucer. He’d forgotten that Kuroo had already lost someone very important to him— it just hadn’t seemed as prominent, with his own illness looming so frighteningly over him. He remembered rainy days with Kuroo over at his house when they were younger, those sleepovers when his mother was in the hospital, and Kuroo crying softly into his pillows late at night when he thought that Kenma was asleep. 

 

“Everything alright?” Kuroo asked questioningly. 

 

“Oh. Yeah. Of course, why?” 

 

“You’re spilling milk all over the floor.” 

 

Kenma cursed and hastily capped the milk bottle, wiping up the excess on the floor as the kittens milled around his feet, trying to drink the milk. 

 

“So what are you boys planning to do today?” his mother asked, watching Kuroo inhale his food and Kenma eat it more slowly. 

 

“Oh, we’re going to the zoo. Kenma told me the other day that he hasn’t ever been to the zoo before! Not even on our primary school field trips! So I thought we’d try that out today.” 

 

“Wait. We didn’t discuss this.” Kenma said, looking up from the game he was playing. “When did I agree to this?” 

 

“Oh, you were really sleepy at dinner yesterday. No wonder you kept saying yes to anything I said on the way back to your house.” 

 

“That’s a lovely idea!” interjected Kenma’s mother. “Be sure to take lots of pictures, boys!” 

 

So that was how a very disgruntled Kenma was shuffled onto a train headed straight for the Tokyo Zoo. It was noon, and families were out in full swing, carrying their crying children and spilling sticky ice-cream all over the city. It wasn’t that he hated kids— he quite liked them, (otherwise he wouldn’t hang out so much with Hinata) but he hated the spoiled brats that were brought up these days. 

 

Kuroo, of course, was in his element, charming the pants off people left and right. he had that irresistible and undeniable likability that drew people to him like moths to a flame. He was able to strike up a conversation with anyone and anything, from middle agedmothers to attractive young females and old men. It was one of the things that Kenma truly admired about him, and sometimes wished he could do. 

 

As it happened, however, Kenma was content enough to sit slightly-hidden by his tall friend, urgently attempting to beat the boss stage of his newest game while Kuroo gossiped with some schoolgirls who went to their school. 

 

Kenma had to practically drag Kuroo away when they reached their stop, pulling him away from a few middle-aged ladies that simply _would not_ stop flirting with him. 

 

“Looks like someone’s jealous~” Kuroo teased, wrapping a long arm around Kenma’s shoulders and pulling him closer. 

 

“Please, I’m just stopping you from embarrassing yourself any further.” Kenma said, grumpily disentangling himself from the one-armed hug. 

 

The line to the zoo was horribly long, since it was summer and school holidays had started. Kenma was beginning to feel lightheaded in the intense heat, so he volunteered to get ice creams for the both of them. 

 

Just as he was placing his order— two cherry ices — he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder. Turning around, he was greeted with Akaashi’s gentle smile, and he widened his eyes in surprise. 

 

“Kenma-san! I haven’t seen you since the last tournament. I didn’t expect to you meet you here, of all places.” the setter said, getting two ices from the counter as well. 

 

“Well, I didn’t expect to see you here either.” Kenma replied. “Are you here with your family?” 

 

“No— well. It’s a long story.” Akaashi’s face turned bright red and he turned away slightly, getting some napkins. “Are you heading to the ticket line? I’m going there as well.” 

 

*** 

 

“KURO-SAAAAN!!”

 

Kuroo turned around in surprise, to be met with a flying hug that practically knocked all the breath out of him. 

 

“What the-? Oh, Bokuto!” he grinned happily as he realized who it was. “Hey! What are you doing here?” 

 

“Well you see,” Bokuto started, but was cut off by the irritated lady at the ticket counter. 

 

“There are other people in line.” she reminded them icily. “Please either pay for your tickets or leave.” 

 

“Right, right. Sorry. Anyway, two adult tickets.” Kuroo hastily answered. 

 

“What, no, there’s four of us! A family ticket, please.” Bokuto butted in. 

 

“Family? So you’re the mom?” 

 

“Don’t be stupid, YOU’RE the mom, Kuro. Your hair’s certainly long enough for it.” Bokuto snickered. They wound up into a long debate on household matters and who should do what in their imaginary home until the lady at the counter just tossed them the tickets to make them shut up. 

 

“So, who’s your date?” Bokuto asked as they waited at the entrance. “Female, male, or undetermined?” 

 

“It’s not a date. Kenma and I are just hanging out.” 

 

“Hmmm.” 

 

Bokuto shot Kuroo a strange look that he didn’t understand, but as Kuroo was about to ask him about it, Kenma and Akaashi approached them.  

 

“Wait, Bokuto, does this mean…” 

 

His head sharply turned between Bokuto and Akaashi, looking back and forth with a mischievous, knowing smirk blooming on his face. “Ohohoho. Is this what I think it is?” 

 

Kenma glanced at Akaashi, whose face was blooming a bright red, and he refused to meet Kenma’s gaze, instead self-consciously staring at the ground. 

 

“It is exactly what you think it is!” Bokuto said with an air of reckless abandon, bounding over to wrap Akaashi in a one-armed hug and nearly crushing the ices in the process. “We’re on our first date!” 

 

“It’s not a _date_. I keep telling him not to call it that.” Akaashi mumbled under his breath, but both Kenma and Kuroo noticed that the usually reserved and dignified setter didn’t bother to push Bokuto away, and instead leaned into his arm slightly. “We’re just people who happen to be meeting up at the same place at the same time to do activities together.” 

 

“Well, I guess congratulations are in order.” Kenma shrugged, feeling rather awkward all of a sudden. Though it admittedly hadn’t come as a complete surprise— the pair had been dancing around each other for some time now, and a mini betting pool had been set up between some of the Tokyo teams on how long it would take for them to finally get together. 

 

“Now we can start double dating!” Bokuto said gleefully, cramming his ice whole in his mouth. 

 

“We’re—” Kenma and Kuroo started, then glanced at each other and quickly glanced away again. 

 

Bokuto and Akaashi exchanged looks, but decided to leave it at that for now. 

 

“Let’s go in.” Akaashi said, ever the voice of reason. “The zoo’s going to close in four hours.” 

 

When they were inside the zoo, Kenma felt the urge to reach into his pocket and pull out his mobile phone to try and beat his high-score again, but he resisted it, pulling it out but not allowing himself to actually play anything. 

 

“What’s the matter? Phone low on battery?” Kuroo asked casually, as they made their way down to the aviary, since Bokuto insisted that they had to see it first. (“OWLS, AKAASHI! OWLS!”) 

 

“No.” Kenma said quickly, and then loaded up his game, quickly sinking into the familiarity of the game, and almost forgetting his surroundings, except when Kuroo gently tugged him away from crashing into a lamppost or a small kid. 

 

They strolled around the bird park a few steps behind Akaashi and Bokuto, Kuroo occasionally pointing out a particularly strange looking bird. Soon, Kenma put his phone away and joined Kuroo in silent bird-watching. 

 

“This one looks like Karasuno’s shortie.” Kuroo commented as they passed by an orange parakeet’s cage. “Really excitable, just like him, too.” Kenma snapped a photo and sent it to Hinata. 

 

“Oh hey, _look_.” Kuroo pointed to a poster a little way in front of them. “They’re giving out free elephant rides! We should go ride an elephant! Let’s go!” Kenma rolled his eyes and allowed himself to be dragged along by the arm, quickly texting Akaashi where they were going, so that the couple wouldn’t wait up for them. 

 

***

 

Riding an elephant was weird, Kuroo decided. Nothing at all like a horse, but it did make you feel like you were on top of the world, looking down at everyone else from your high perch. Kuroo also decided that he didn’t really mind it so much, since Kenma was in front of him, holding onto the elephant for dear life with a very cute expression of terror on his face. 

 

“We’re going to fall off.” Kenma repeated for the hundredth time, as the elephant swayed in its lumbering walk, tipping them gently to the side. 

 

“I’m holding on to you! You won’t fall off.” Kuroo reassured him again, hands wrapped comfortably around Kenma’s waist. “We’ve got a really nice view from up here.” he pulled Kenma closer, and rested his chin on the top of his head, taking in the lovely strawberry scent that was emanating from Kenma’s head. 

 

“What would you do without me?” he joked lightly, swaying along with the elephant’s movements. 

 

“I don’t know.” he thought he heard Kenma mumble, but he didn’t quite catch it. 

 

The elephant ride came to an end, and they strolled along the walkway, not really knowing where they were going. 

 

“Where do you wanna go next?” he asked, throwing a casual arm around Kenma’s shoulders. 

 

*** 

 

Kenma felt comfortable with Kuroo in the way he couldn’t feel comfortable with around anyone else. 

 

He looked up at Kuroo, golden eyes flickering in the sunlight, and for a moment, he almost blurted his secret out, just to get it off his chest. 

 

“Where do you wanna go next?” he heard Kuroo ask, and he looked up. 

 

“Wait, Kenma.” Kuroo’s eyebrows were furrowed, like there was something wrong with his face, and when he touched Kenma’s face, Kenma saw that his fingers came away with blood, just as he felt a fresh trickle of blood come gushing out of his nose. 

 

“Fuck.” he swore, digging in his pockets for his handkerchief. 

 

“Press your finger onto the top of your nose to stop the flow.” Kuroo advised him, giving him his own handkerchief. “Don’t tip your head back, the blood might flow into your lungs.” 

 

Kuroo led him over to the toilets and patiently helped him out, getting icepacks and more tissue to help stem the bleeding. 

 

But the blood didn’t seem to show any signs of stopping, and instead, continued flowing on like the dam had broken, and all hell had been let loose.

 

“We’d better get you home.” Kuroo said, with a carefully neutral expression, after half an hour had passed and yet the nosebleed hadn’t subsided. 

 

Kenma began to stand up from the bench, but just as he did, a wave of dizziness swept over him, and then everything went black. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on my tumblr at either tchaikovskyed.tumblr.com or alexbenxdetto.tumblr.com (yes, I'm also Gangsta. trash!) I also take writing requests!


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